Photograph (Sunday Scribblings)

I have always loved photography. Thats my mom's fault. She has probably a dozen very full photo albums and boxes of unsorted pictures.

This prompted me to look through my own photo albums. Its bittersweet in a way. Old friends who are no longer part of my life. A huge grin. There is one with an old friend that i love. He is standing in Wal-Mart with my pillow under his shirt. He looks lumpy pregnant. That night was one of the funnest nights. Another shows me standing in a shoe box with my best friend holding the lid on my head. I told people I could fit all of me in the box. It makes me smile thinking back.

The history on one of my faves: It shows me at probably two or three. I am curled up in a basket of laundry sleeping soundly. My parents didn't have a washer and dryer then so they went to laundry mats to wash clothes. Since my dad worked nights my mom took me with her. She pulled some stuff out of the dryer and put it in her basket. I can't remember the story how but I ended up inside the basket and the warmth made me cozy so I fell asleep. I don't know why its my favorite, Maybe it reminds me of uncomplicated times. Perhaps its the sheer innocence of it.

Whatever it is, it always envokes a grin, and thats why its my favorite.

I just don't get it (Sunday Scribblings #103)

I am only 22 so my brain is filled to bursting point with things I don't get.

I don't get how, as humans, we can treat our fellow man with such little respect.

I don't get how people can buy $100,000 cars or $1,000,000 homes while people are starving to death.

I don't get how we are in a war that has cost almost 4,000 soldiers and hundreds of thousands of civilians their lives and britney spears is the top story on CNN.

I don't get the lack of general knowledge. I know I don't know everything but its almost scary how little my generation knows about the past.

I don't get the American election system. There are 51 choices for Ms. America, 2 for the president. And in the end, its the delegates and Electoral college who decides, not us.

I don't get why marijuana is illegal. Especially in medical cases.

I don't get global warming. Who to believe on this subject is beyond me. I know the earth is warming, the carbon count is higher. Is a catastrophe about to happen? No idea.

I don't get people blaming their addictions on the makers of the product. The tobacco industry didn't force that cigarette down your throat. McDonald's didn't put a funnel in your mouth and shove their burgers down it. We have choices. For better or worse, we make them!

I don't get homophobia. I grew up in a Christian school being taught this. It didn't stick seeing as pretty much all my friends were gay. Love is love people! Stop trying to define it... love is abstract. Its beautiful no matter who is involved.

I don't get why yesterday, the first day of spring, IT SNOWED! I am SO ready for Summer!

I don't get how people can say socialized medicine is a bad thing. We are letting tens of millions of Americans go day to day, praying nothing happens, instead of doing something about it. And insurance is bulls**t. They get to pick and choose what they want to cover or not. There is no "but I can't afford this." America the great....

I just don't get it. But hopefully as I grow up I will learn more. And maybe I'll get to cross some of these off my list.

What I carry. (Sunday Scribbles)

In my messenger bag is two notebooks, a workbook and a pill bottle. All my lifelines. I do not leave my Buspirone behind when I go out. Its my anti-anxiety pill. My notebooks are for monitoring my moods. Any anxiety or panics. My workbook is a therapy tool for overcoming all this stuff. I literally carry this on my shoulders.
I carry a lifetime of secrets that have, through the years, become distorted in my mind leaving me to wonder if I could even remember the truth.
I carry with me pain of broken trust. For a stolen childhood. For a little girl who has grown up questioning and self destructing trying to forget.

I carry Hope. For the first time in months I was able to step out of my comfort zone and I didn't end it having to convince myself I'm not dying. Almost a week no panic! I had started fearing that I'd never get to say that again. Ecstatic is an understatement!!
I carry love for the people who have stuck with me and even those who haven't. I have been blessed to know some amazing people.
All in all, I guess I carry the good and bad. Don't we all? Hopefully soon I will be able to carry a blank notebook to just write and I'll be able to leave my stuff behind. There is hope in the future!

My first blog!

I have been wanting to start a blog for months. Guess its easy to see I tend to procrastinate. A couple things about me but not too much promise!
I grew up in Oklahoma but moved to New York almost 2 years ago. I am on a road to discovering myself. I was raised in Christian school which kinda messed with my sense of self. I suffer from anxiety and depression which just makes it more fun but I'm not insane. I hope I can post some interesting stuff here.

Here goes nothing!