How appropriate that the prompt is curves. The last entry I wrote was about picking the positive side of things, not the negative. It didn't go quite as planned.
The week before that my car had died. Kaput. I had it towed to my mechanic who told me my timing belt had snapped and broken my water pump and yanked another belt when it broke. It took pretty much all the money I don't have to fix it. But the week after all that happened is when I wrote the entry. I made the decision and woke up the next day feeling happy. Things went well until Sunday night when I went to the store. I went in, grabbed what I needed and checked out. Went out to my car, turned my key and my car barely started and was running extremely rough. I look down and my check engine light is not only on its flashing at me. It was 2 am so I had to drive it home, praying all the way. I broke every traffic law there is. I cried for a while about it. So Monday I put my car into the shop, go to work and my dad calls. My insurance has decided not to cover my dentist stuff that I have planned for next month. Then a machine I need for my job breaks. I'm standing in my office about to lose it. Thats when I realize... this is my test! All this stuff is so small in the grand scheme of things. Work can wait until the machine is up and I have a dozen people willing to help me get from home to work and back. Me stressing myself out only causes problems, it doesn't solve anything. I have to try to get past the bad.
That afternoon, my mechanic calls and tells me whats wrong and says he isn't going to charge me labor, just the part fee. It was still money I didn't really have but life goes on. My machine wasn't fixed that day but by some weird coincidence there was an issue with the job I was supposed to do and the extra time was needed to fix it.
Obviously its extremely hard to only look at the good. Sometimes we need to see the whole picture. But when I took a step back and realize the stress isn't worth it things were able to work themselves out.
Two weeks ago my doctor put me on Prozac to help with my anxiety. I know it hasn't really taken effect yet but theres an odd sense of peace brewing. I went to a bonfire with the boys last weekend for the first time and had a blast. Instead of worrying about panic attacks or whatever, I put it out of my head and just decided to have a good time. I won't always be so optimistic, I'm sure something else will come along that's gonna set me off. My goal is to just be able to step back and look at the big picture, not just the little piece right in front of me. And thats all anyone can ask for I suppose.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Soar/Sore (Sunday Scribblings # 111)
How odd that two words so similar, that sound identical bring to mind completely opposite ideas.
Soar (defined as to fly upwards as a bird) brings a hawk to mind. I love watching them, wings outstretched riding on the wind. Such freedom and beauty. Its as if they can just ride on the air, up with the clouds, forever if they want.
Sore ( defined as physically painful or sensitive) on the other hand brings pain and something blocking your ability to do something as normal. Last weekend we went to a festival here in Rochester. We walked and walked and walked. Sunday I woke up, got out of bed and almost screamed. My legs were SO sore. It was utterly uncomfortable which kept me from doing other things.
This opposite idea intrigues me.
It makes my brain wonder, instead of thinking of being sore or the soreness of something, if we thought of soaring what would happen? Instead of the hurt or bad stuff, if we dwelled on the positive aspects of whatever situation maybe things would change? (yes I'm mostly speaking jibberish but I decided earlier this month to stop self editing. So jibberish it is. )
I think I'm going to try this for a week. I'm pessimistic by default. I tend to focus on the bad. So for the next week I'm going to get my focus on the Soar of the situation, not the Sore (so to speak.)
Ought to be interesting...
Soar (defined as to fly upwards as a bird) brings a hawk to mind. I love watching them, wings outstretched riding on the wind. Such freedom and beauty. Its as if they can just ride on the air, up with the clouds, forever if they want.
Sore ( defined as physically painful or sensitive) on the other hand brings pain and something blocking your ability to do something as normal. Last weekend we went to a festival here in Rochester. We walked and walked and walked. Sunday I woke up, got out of bed and almost screamed. My legs were SO sore. It was utterly uncomfortable which kept me from doing other things.
This opposite idea intrigues me.
It makes my brain wonder, instead of thinking of being sore or the soreness of something, if we thought of soaring what would happen? Instead of the hurt or bad stuff, if we dwelled on the positive aspects of whatever situation maybe things would change? (yes I'm mostly speaking jibberish but I decided earlier this month to stop self editing. So jibberish it is. )
I think I'm going to try this for a week. I'm pessimistic by default. I tend to focus on the bad. So for the next week I'm going to get my focus on the Soar of the situation, not the Sore (so to speak.)
Ought to be interesting...
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Family (Sunday Scribblings # 109)
Before I started this, I asked my brother what family brings to mind. In the typical dry sarcasm he said "Horror and a little bit of nausea."
Family is incredibly important and lucky for me God bestowed an amazing one. My mom is incredible. She is the strongest woman I know. She worked harder than anyone I've ever known and in a couple weeks she will walk across the stage to get the diploma she so rightly deserves. I can't explain my joy nor my pride in her. I only hope that I can be like her someday. My dad is the kind of dad people wish for. Always there for us and he worked his ass off to give my brother and I want we wanted. Then Saturdays we would grab lunch and watch football which has carried on with me. And my brother is one of my best friends. He's younger but protective. He literally saved my life. But thats a story for another time.
And not just my immediate family in awesome. My mom is 1 of 7 and my dad is 1 of 5 so lots of aunts and uncles, cousins and other family to enjoy. I'm not very close to my dad's side. There isn't anything wrong with them they are just.... not as close.
My mom's side however... :-) As I said, my mom is 1 of 7. Her side is extremely close with them all living in Oklahoma. Holidays are mad houses. As everyone has gotten older and had families of their own its changed some but I can remember as a kid having Thanksgiving or Christmas at our house. There would be people sitting at the table, on the couch, chairs, the floor, the stairs. I'm talking 30-40 people in my house. When anyone is sick the hospital waiting room is full, especially when its my gramma. The doctors come out to talk to her family and they get a ton of her kids, grandkids and great grandkids sitting there waiting.
I moved to New York 2 years ago and I miss my family every day. Last summer my aunt passed away and it was so hard to be so far away from them during the grieving process they were all going through. I talk to my immediate family every few days and some others every now and then. I still miss them terribly.
I got lucky as my fiance's family is great. My mother in law (MIL) helps with the maternal stuff, like last weekend when I went to the hospital she went with me. I wish my mom had been here but MIL is a good 2nd choice. My fiance's dad is a great guy. Extremely involved in his kids' lives and tries to spend as much time with them as possible.
I had a friend when I was younger who came from an awful home. Her mom was an addict so she lived with her grandma. She never knew her dad. She clinged to my family. I think it was through her that I realized how blessed I really am. Through everything I have my family. My parents had to deal with a lot from me, especially at the end of high school and the year before I moved here. But they stuck it out and I am forever grateful. My brother backed me up no matter what. He might never know how much he really means.
I think I'll end with this. "Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter".
Family is incredibly important and lucky for me God bestowed an amazing one. My mom is incredible. She is the strongest woman I know. She worked harder than anyone I've ever known and in a couple weeks she will walk across the stage to get the diploma she so rightly deserves. I can't explain my joy nor my pride in her. I only hope that I can be like her someday. My dad is the kind of dad people wish for. Always there for us and he worked his ass off to give my brother and I want we wanted. Then Saturdays we would grab lunch and watch football which has carried on with me. And my brother is one of my best friends. He's younger but protective. He literally saved my life. But thats a story for another time.
And not just my immediate family in awesome. My mom is 1 of 7 and my dad is 1 of 5 so lots of aunts and uncles, cousins and other family to enjoy. I'm not very close to my dad's side. There isn't anything wrong with them they are just.... not as close.
My mom's side however... :-) As I said, my mom is 1 of 7. Her side is extremely close with them all living in Oklahoma. Holidays are mad houses. As everyone has gotten older and had families of their own its changed some but I can remember as a kid having Thanksgiving or Christmas at our house. There would be people sitting at the table, on the couch, chairs, the floor, the stairs. I'm talking 30-40 people in my house. When anyone is sick the hospital waiting room is full, especially when its my gramma. The doctors come out to talk to her family and they get a ton of her kids, grandkids and great grandkids sitting there waiting.
I moved to New York 2 years ago and I miss my family every day. Last summer my aunt passed away and it was so hard to be so far away from them during the grieving process they were all going through. I talk to my immediate family every few days and some others every now and then. I still miss them terribly.
I got lucky as my fiance's family is great. My mother in law (MIL) helps with the maternal stuff, like last weekend when I went to the hospital she went with me. I wish my mom had been here but MIL is a good 2nd choice. My fiance's dad is a great guy. Extremely involved in his kids' lives and tries to spend as much time with them as possible.
I had a friend when I was younger who came from an awful home. Her mom was an addict so she lived with her grandma. She never knew her dad. She clinged to my family. I think it was through her that I realized how blessed I really am. Through everything I have my family. My parents had to deal with a lot from me, especially at the end of high school and the year before I moved here. But they stuck it out and I am forever grateful. My brother backed me up no matter what. He might never know how much he really means.
I think I'll end with this. "Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter".
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