Nights have always been weird for me. I can remember when I was younger having awful nightmares about people breaking into my house or me dying.
In my teens things changed. I had to have it completely dark and silent. The only thing that could run was my air conditioner. Even little things like someone walking by my door woke me up. Even in winter I would shut my door, which inevitably led to me waking up with my nose frozen.
When my anxiety started, things did a sharp 180. Even to this day I get embarassed by the way I sleep. I have to have background noise. Its soothing and I honestly can't fall asleep without it. so I turn on some movie or tv show and crash. Then theres the lights. I fall asleep with several lights on. I have woken up to a completely dark room and my anxiety immediately shoots up. My heart races and I feel a panic attack coming on. So I will flip a lamp on. Also, no matter how freaking warm it gets I have to have a blanket to fall asleep. I may kick it off 5 minutes after I crash but to get there, I have to have one.
This is why for some time now I have been sleeping on my couch, not in my room with my fiance. I hate it more than anything but the anxiety is still bad. I have tried several times in the last couple months but inevitably woke up in the middle of the night feeling my heart beating out of my chest. I know it kills him and I hate it. There is just something about nighttime that wires my panic.
What is it about night that sends fear into children and anxious adults? I'm not afraid of the dark. I think its this weird fear I picked up along the way that there is someone there, watching me. I can't see them but they can see me, and everything I do. I know that may sound crazy but Its just my brain. I have always been afraid of being attacked. (Holy crap... I just had an epiphony! I love it when that happens.)
So here's to A temperpedic pillow, a blanket that keeps me warm and soft tv playing in the background. Goodnight all!
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8 comments:
Ohhhh I've been there! And honestly, if my husband is't home, I do the TV thing too. I wish I knew what it was about the night - when it was really bad the sun would set and I could literally feel the shadows closing in around me. Thank goodness it doesn't have to last forever!
you need a night shift type of job. that way, you'd be awake at night ... and then sleeping during the day ~ when there's plenty of light a background noise.
You make vivid fears that I have never had, and you do it so well that I can feel them with you. Excellent writing! My only peculiarity at nightfall is to want all my window shades open so that I can see the stars.
i can soooo relate to this post --- that heart doing the cha-cha in your chest is scary all by itself - i too fall asleep with some noise - guess the sound is cuz my inner child needs a lullaby - let's hope we grow out of this!!!
my heart responds to your writing. What you go through feels challenging. So cool that you had an epiphany!
Some nights do give us a creepy feeling!
nocturnal
I use to need background noise too. I would hear things that my imagination ran away with, and so background noise eliminated that.
Mine is here:
http://www.journizer.com/gypsyprincess/en/blogcomments/189/1431/820-sunday-scribblings-nights
ahhh, the rituals of restful slumber... i know this well.. i wish you the best in finding a solution to sleeping under the covers w/yr fiance...
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