Somewhere (sunday Scribblings #126)

Man I haven't done this in ages. I spent the last couple months moving and getting organized. Still a mess around here but ladeeda.

I immediately thought of Judy Garland, singing somewhere over the rainbow in Wizard of Oz. My favorite 2 stanzas in the song are:

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

With all our problems in today's society its nice to think that way. This song always puts a smile on my face for some reason. There really isn't an Over The Rainbow but the thought is nice. Well... I guess home sorta is. Thats the one place I have where I feel okay. Where my mom's embrace or my brother's laugh can warm my soul and make even the worst days feel not so bad. I guess thats all we can ask for. One place to call ours, our own little peice of "Over the Rainbow".

My Nights (Sunday Scribblings #114)

Nights have always been weird for me. I can remember when I was younger having awful nightmares about people breaking into my house or me dying.
In my teens things changed. I had to have it completely dark and silent. The only thing that could run was my air conditioner. Even little things like someone walking by my door woke me up. Even in winter I would shut my door, which inevitably led to me waking up with my nose frozen.
When my anxiety started, things did a sharp 180. Even to this day I get embarassed by the way I sleep. I have to have background noise. Its soothing and I honestly can't fall asleep without it. so I turn on some movie or tv show and crash. Then theres the lights. I fall asleep with several lights on. I have woken up to a completely dark room and my anxiety immediately shoots up. My heart races and I feel a panic attack coming on. So I will flip a lamp on. Also, no matter how freaking warm it gets I have to have a blanket to fall asleep. I may kick it off 5 minutes after I crash but to get there, I have to have one.
This is why for some time now I have been sleeping on my couch, not in my room with my fiance. I hate it more than anything but the anxiety is still bad. I have tried several times in the last couple months but inevitably woke up in the middle of the night feeling my heart beating out of my chest. I know it kills him and I hate it. There is just something about nighttime that wires my panic.
What is it about night that sends fear into children and anxious adults? I'm not afraid of the dark. I think its this weird fear I picked up along the way that there is someone there, watching me. I can't see them but they can see me, and everything I do. I know that may sound crazy but Its just my brain. I have always been afraid of being attacked. (Holy crap... I just had an epiphony! I love it when that happens.)
So here's to A temperpedic pillow, a blanket that keeps me warm and soft tv playing in the background. Goodnight all!

Curves (Sunday Scribblings #113)

How appropriate that the prompt is curves. The last entry I wrote was about picking the positive side of things, not the negative. It didn't go quite as planned.
The week before that my car had died. Kaput. I had it towed to my mechanic who told me my timing belt had snapped and broken my water pump and yanked another belt when it broke. It took pretty much all the money I don't have to fix it. But the week after all that happened is when I wrote the entry. I made the decision and woke up the next day feeling happy. Things went well until Sunday night when I went to the store. I went in, grabbed what I needed and checked out. Went out to my car, turned my key and my car barely started and was running extremely rough. I look down and my check engine light is not only on its flashing at me. It was 2 am so I had to drive it home, praying all the way. I broke every traffic law there is. I cried for a while about it. So Monday I put my car into the shop, go to work and my dad calls. My insurance has decided not to cover my dentist stuff that I have planned for next month. Then a machine I need for my job breaks. I'm standing in my office about to lose it. Thats when I realize... this is my test! All this stuff is so small in the grand scheme of things. Work can wait until the machine is up and I have a dozen people willing to help me get from home to work and back. Me stressing myself out only causes problems, it doesn't solve anything. I have to try to get past the bad.
That afternoon, my mechanic calls and tells me whats wrong and says he isn't going to charge me labor, just the part fee. It was still money I didn't really have but life goes on. My machine wasn't fixed that day but by some weird coincidence there was an issue with the job I was supposed to do and the extra time was needed to fix it.
Obviously its extremely hard to only look at the good. Sometimes we need to see the whole picture. But when I took a step back and realize the stress isn't worth it things were able to work themselves out.
Two weeks ago my doctor put me on Prozac to help with my anxiety. I know it hasn't really taken effect yet but theres an odd sense of peace brewing. I went to a bonfire with the boys last weekend for the first time and had a blast. Instead of worrying about panic attacks or whatever, I put it out of my head and just decided to have a good time. I won't always be so optimistic, I'm sure something else will come along that's gonna set me off. My goal is to just be able to step back and look at the big picture, not just the little piece right in front of me. And thats all anyone can ask for I suppose.

Soar/Sore (Sunday Scribblings # 111)

How odd that two words so similar, that sound identical bring to mind completely opposite ideas.
Soar (defined as to fly upwards as a bird) brings a hawk to mind. I love watching them, wings outstretched riding on the wind. Such freedom and beauty. Its as if they can just ride on the air, up with the clouds, forever if they want.
Sore ( defined as physically painful or sensitive) on the other hand brings pain and something blocking your ability to do something as normal. Last weekend we went to a festival here in Rochester. We walked and walked and walked. Sunday I woke up, got out of bed and almost screamed. My legs were SO sore. It was utterly uncomfortable which kept me from doing other things.
This opposite idea intrigues me.
It makes my brain wonder, instead of thinking of being sore or the soreness of something, if we thought of soaring what would happen? Instead of the hurt or bad stuff, if we dwelled on the positive aspects of whatever situation maybe things would change? (yes I'm mostly speaking jibberish but I decided earlier this month to stop self editing. So jibberish it is. )
I think I'm going to try this for a week. I'm pessimistic by default. I tend to focus on the bad. So for the next week I'm going to get my focus on the Soar of the situation, not the Sore (so to speak.)
Ought to be interesting...

Family (Sunday Scribblings # 109)

Before I started this, I asked my brother what family brings to mind. In the typical dry sarcasm he said "Horror and a little bit of nausea."

Family is incredibly important and lucky for me God bestowed an amazing one. My mom is incredible. She is the strongest woman I know. She worked harder than anyone I've ever known and in a couple weeks she will walk across the stage to get the diploma she so rightly deserves. I can't explain my joy nor my pride in her. I only hope that I can be like her someday. My dad is the kind of dad people wish for. Always there for us and he worked his ass off to give my brother and I want we wanted. Then Saturdays we would grab lunch and watch football which has carried on with me. And my brother is one of my best friends. He's younger but protective. He literally saved my life. But thats a story for another time.

And not just my immediate family in awesome. My mom is 1 of 7 and my dad is 1 of 5 so lots of aunts and uncles, cousins and other family to enjoy. I'm not very close to my dad's side. There isn't anything wrong with them they are just.... not as close.

My mom's side however... :-) As I said, my mom is 1 of 7. Her side is extremely close with them all living in Oklahoma. Holidays are mad houses. As everyone has gotten older and had families of their own its changed some but I can remember as a kid having Thanksgiving or Christmas at our house. There would be people sitting at the table, on the couch, chairs, the floor, the stairs. I'm talking 30-40 people in my house. When anyone is sick the hospital waiting room is full, especially when its my gramma. The doctors come out to talk to her family and they get a ton of her kids, grandkids and great grandkids sitting there waiting.

I moved to New York 2 years ago and I miss my family every day. Last summer my aunt passed away and it was so hard to be so far away from them during the grieving process they were all going through. I talk to my immediate family every few days and some others every now and then. I still miss them terribly.

I got lucky as my fiance's family is great. My mother in law (MIL) helps with the maternal stuff, like last weekend when I went to the hospital she went with me. I wish my mom had been here but MIL is a good 2nd choice. My fiance's dad is a great guy. Extremely involved in his kids' lives and tries to spend as much time with them as possible.

I had a friend when I was younger who came from an awful home. Her mom was an addict so she lived with her grandma. She never knew her dad. She clinged to my family. I think it was through her that I realized how blessed I really am. Through everything I have my family. My parents had to deal with a lot from me, especially at the end of high school and the year before I moved here. But they stuck it out and I am forever grateful. My brother backed me up no matter what. He might never know how much he really means.
I think I'll end with this. "Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter".

Fearless (Sunday Scribblings)

Fearless....

It should be something so easy to write about but I have sat staring at the blank screen, thoughts wondering in and out of my head. I keep going back to when I was a kid, maybe 10 years old at the oldest. I went to the mountains with my parents and brother. I can remember jumping from rock to rock and sliding through openings with no wiggle room. I had no worries about spiders or snakes or you know, possibly sliding off the mountain. I had zero worries, zero fear. I remember very clearly my mom telling me to be careful and at one point covering her eyes. I couldn't understand what the big deal was as I made my way out to the edge of this cliff. Now of course I understand. I sometimes wonder how that little girl, so carefree and fearless ended up me today. I went to that mountain almost a year ago when I visited my family. It wasn't the same. or I wasn't the same. Every step was cautionary. No traipsing across rocks out to the edge. I still had a lot of fun and I wasn't sitting on the sidelines. I ran around, from rock to rock. And I know part of it comes with growing up and realizing I'm not immortal. But anxiety played a big roll. At that point I was still 6 months out from my first panic attack. I wonder how a trip to the mountain would go today. I was to go back. I want to be able to jump to the edge of the cliff and look around.
A lot of us may never be fearless. I think fear is a way of our bodies and minds trying to caution us before we do something stupid. In this day and age though, we are bombarded by images and video. The news is a constant barrage of whats scary. Politicians and their fear mongering, terrorism, nukes, war, death, sleeper cell, Al Qaeda, Bin Ladin, Iran, North Korea. Every day. No wonder almost 7 million Americans have general anxiety disorder! (stat is from NIMH)
How I wish I was that fearless little girl again. No terrorism. No Iraq. Just a mountain as a playground.

Photograph (Sunday Scribblings)

I have always loved photography. Thats my mom's fault. She has probably a dozen very full photo albums and boxes of unsorted pictures.

This prompted me to look through my own photo albums. Its bittersweet in a way. Old friends who are no longer part of my life. A huge grin. There is one with an old friend that i love. He is standing in Wal-Mart with my pillow under his shirt. He looks lumpy pregnant. That night was one of the funnest nights. Another shows me standing in a shoe box with my best friend holding the lid on my head. I told people I could fit all of me in the box. It makes me smile thinking back.

The history on one of my faves: It shows me at probably two or three. I am curled up in a basket of laundry sleeping soundly. My parents didn't have a washer and dryer then so they went to laundry mats to wash clothes. Since my dad worked nights my mom took me with her. She pulled some stuff out of the dryer and put it in her basket. I can't remember the story how but I ended up inside the basket and the warmth made me cozy so I fell asleep. I don't know why its my favorite, Maybe it reminds me of uncomplicated times. Perhaps its the sheer innocence of it.

Whatever it is, it always envokes a grin, and thats why its my favorite.

I just don't get it (Sunday Scribblings #103)

I am only 22 so my brain is filled to bursting point with things I don't get.

I don't get how, as humans, we can treat our fellow man with such little respect.

I don't get how people can buy $100,000 cars or $1,000,000 homes while people are starving to death.

I don't get how we are in a war that has cost almost 4,000 soldiers and hundreds of thousands of civilians their lives and britney spears is the top story on CNN.

I don't get the lack of general knowledge. I know I don't know everything but its almost scary how little my generation knows about the past.

I don't get the American election system. There are 51 choices for Ms. America, 2 for the president. And in the end, its the delegates and Electoral college who decides, not us.

I don't get why marijuana is illegal. Especially in medical cases.

I don't get global warming. Who to believe on this subject is beyond me. I know the earth is warming, the carbon count is higher. Is a catastrophe about to happen? No idea.

I don't get people blaming their addictions on the makers of the product. The tobacco industry didn't force that cigarette down your throat. McDonald's didn't put a funnel in your mouth and shove their burgers down it. We have choices. For better or worse, we make them!

I don't get homophobia. I grew up in a Christian school being taught this. It didn't stick seeing as pretty much all my friends were gay. Love is love people! Stop trying to define it... love is abstract. Its beautiful no matter who is involved.

I don't get why yesterday, the first day of spring, IT SNOWED! I am SO ready for Summer!

I don't get how people can say socialized medicine is a bad thing. We are letting tens of millions of Americans go day to day, praying nothing happens, instead of doing something about it. And insurance is bulls**t. They get to pick and choose what they want to cover or not. There is no "but I can't afford this." America the great....

I just don't get it. But hopefully as I grow up I will learn more. And maybe I'll get to cross some of these off my list.

What I carry. (Sunday Scribbles)

In my messenger bag is two notebooks, a workbook and a pill bottle. All my lifelines. I do not leave my Buspirone behind when I go out. Its my anti-anxiety pill. My notebooks are for monitoring my moods. Any anxiety or panics. My workbook is a therapy tool for overcoming all this stuff. I literally carry this on my shoulders.
I carry a lifetime of secrets that have, through the years, become distorted in my mind leaving me to wonder if I could even remember the truth.
I carry with me pain of broken trust. For a stolen childhood. For a little girl who has grown up questioning and self destructing trying to forget.

I carry Hope. For the first time in months I was able to step out of my comfort zone and I didn't end it having to convince myself I'm not dying. Almost a week no panic! I had started fearing that I'd never get to say that again. Ecstatic is an understatement!!
I carry love for the people who have stuck with me and even those who haven't. I have been blessed to know some amazing people.
All in all, I guess I carry the good and bad. Don't we all? Hopefully soon I will be able to carry a blank notebook to just write and I'll be able to leave my stuff behind. There is hope in the future!

My first blog!

I have been wanting to start a blog for months. Guess its easy to see I tend to procrastinate. A couple things about me but not too much promise!
I grew up in Oklahoma but moved to New York almost 2 years ago. I am on a road to discovering myself. I was raised in Christian school which kinda messed with my sense of self. I suffer from anxiety and depression which just makes it more fun but I'm not insane. I hope I can post some interesting stuff here.

Here goes nothing!